Taking the GRE makes you seem stupid.

The purpose of this blog was to create a sort of following so that I could begin to add pieces of my book of short stories so I can throw them at an agent as I scream "THERE! PROOF that at least a few people will read my writing! PUBLISH ME!"

Unfortunately I haven't been able to put as much into this blog as I hoped. I'm thinking of adding random photos of cute animals and zombies to increase traffic but we'll see...

Anyway the main reason I haven't been able to put as much into this blog is the bane of many Grad school hopefuls.

THE GRE.

What's a GRE you ask? Think of the SAT but make a giant bear/shark with anger issues and a loaded gun. It's scored somewhat like the SAT, 1600 is the highest you can get, but structured to exacerbate anxiety disorders and depression. There are three sections of doom, writing (you're given your choice of topic in two areas, argument and something else), verbal (analogies, reading comprehension, that jazz) and... QUANTITATIVE, the math portion.

The first two sections are not that bad. I looked up writing examples before hand and the pattern of what gets a 6 (the highest score on writing) and what get's a 1 (the lowest) is pretty clear. Open with a quote and support it... you're done. Verbal is pretty straight forward. Have a wide vocabulary and you're there.

But the quantitative.

Oh the quantitative.

Every area of arithmetic, algebra, geometry and basic statistics you can remember and beyond.

As I already stated, the scoring is LIKE the SAT in that the highest is a 1600 but, again, the structure: bear/shark anger gun.

Unlike the SAT, if you take the computer-based test (and you will unless you're willing to drive a day for a three hour test on paper) does not allow skipping around if you can't figure out the answer. Each question comes as you answer the preceding one. And they increase in difficulty as you answer them correctly. The higher number of difficult questions you answer right, the better your score. Get a question wrong, you're slapped back down to rung one questions. You could made it as far as an equation that requires both Standard Deviation and the Pythag Thereom only to get it wrong and the next question be a simple fraction division.

And did I mention it's timed?

So quick recap, three sections, no skipping questions, higher scores the harder the question and it's all timed.

My experience.

This was my second attempt my first being last year when I panicked and started my period in khaki pants in the middle of the test. You see, when you start the test you cannot stop the test. For three hours, you are to be the test's bitch. The test does not like you leaving to pee or find a tampon. The test feeds on knowledge and is impatient and will not be denied.

Anyway, my first attempt total fail. Terrible score terrible confidence.

BUT I decided to try again and THIS TIME I would make it MY bitch. I studied for four months nonstop. There was a lot of math I didn't remember like... multiplying, adding, dividing and subtracting fractions. Even the verbal was terrifying with the trick answers and repeating of words in first the questions then the answers to trick into picking what was familiar... what you had seen two questions earlier. Tricky, tricky.

Amanda drove me the forty minutes to the testing center as Final Countdown played in my head. I stepped into the building nervous but convinced it was just an online game not the test that determined entrance into Grad school. I was padded down before I went in and warned if I was going to keep my earrings (two white plastic hoops that were grandmother's I wear for luck) I'd have to leave them for the duration of the test.

There are camera's all over that room. Pointed into every little cubicle because God Help You if you try to cheat. First is the writing portion which is the only section I ever have time left over on. Give me a topic and ask me to build argument, consider it done by dinner. Show me a question with five answer choices and expect me to second guess every. single. one. They offer a break between the writing and the last two sections. This time I opted to take it. Fifteen minutes of reading a dated issue of US Weekly. Tiger's wife is pissed and Jersey Shore is getting renewed. Take me back to the GRE PLEASE.

Back in. Nerve wracking but fun when I realized what questions I was getting right. Besides, at that point why freak out? I'm already in the test, better just keep going so I can leave.

The scariest moment. You get your scores immediately on the computer-based test. You have this brief moment after the final timer has disappeared and the screen offering to show your scores sits in front of you. It's THE moment. Four months of studying. $120 to take the test (yeah you pay a fuckload for this shit), and three hours in the over air-conditioned room and the result of all of this is one mouse-click away. So I right-clicked.

1100

BOOM! AVERAGE! EXACTLY WHAT I WAS AIMING FOR!

That's right. I AIM for average. That is my goal because this whole standardized thing, while I understand the need and use of, is total BULLSHIT. Getting a high score only means you can take the test. In my mind, if it's possible for me to blindly guess for three hours and get a perfect score then the test itself says diddly squat about my intelligence.

For example, when I received my detailed score report (where the percentiles and writing scores are listed) I was 80th in the verbal, 30th in the quantitative and had near perfect scores in the writing. If I were an idiot, then I'd think the writing would reflect that.

But Kest Lay Vy. The damn thing's over.

I suppose the lesson here is while these tests matter they really don't which seems like a lovely analogy to life.

bear/shark